Today's Wednesday already.
Its swim day, I'll be exhausted at the end of this day.
Packed my bag for tomorrow already.
Left with fitting in my swimsuit and a couple of other things and I'm good to go.
Faught with Jazli again today. Does it really matter anymore?
Feels normal to me, am I losing sight of him?
Why is there no worry in me anymore. Worry of losing him?
I've been feeling like I've been taken forgranted of these days.
I feel like my friends are not my friends anymore.
I don't feel the confident me anymore.
I'm starting to cut down on food more these days.
Haven't been eating much or haven't been eating at all.
Was forced to finish up the rice that mom cooked for me today.
I didn't want her to think that there was something wrong with me.
Well I don't know if somethings wrong with me or not. I think I am.
I just feel different these days. Like I just don't want to be this fat girl anymore.
I hear them teasing chubby girls who walk past us and I wondered if people thought of me that way to.
Its hurtful to hear it now.
I don't believe when people say that I am not fat because what I see and what some other people say is that I'm putting on the weight.
I hear comments from relatives like, "You look like a man from behind" or "You don't look nice with anything sleeveless because your arms are jsut too big"
It hurts me deep inside its just that I didn't let it get to me.
But now when I think of it, I don't want people to see me that way.
I want to be the girl who looks pretty in dresses and heels.
The girl who is confident and feels beautiful. Because right now, I don't feel that way.
I feel ugly, fat and a person with low self esteem.
I want my confidence back, I want to be able to grab hold of things and stick with it.
But for now, I feel like I just can't do it.

Today I've got a training to get through.
As I've said I will be dead tired.
I just wish somebody anybody would just text me.
Would be really nice to be able to do things with the phone.
And recently I've been listening to a lot of Lyyke Li's song.
The two songs like I like are, I'm good I'm gone, Tonight.
And I've been listening to Arab songs too
Enta Eih by Nancy Ajram. Pretty nice and sad.
I got that song from watching this reall funny episodes of 10 dares on youtube that Ashnee sent me.
Go watch it! Its awesome shit.
10 Dares, its szuper daring and funny la.
I've been laughing my ass off since yesterday.
I got to get to bed now. Need my 5 hours sleep.

So its on my third day today.
I only had a few calories today.
Gonna cut down tomorrow.
Trying to fill my stomach up with water if I feel hungry.
I feel the temptation but I just want to gain the weight.
I want to keep losing it.
I want to see myself skinny.
I just want to be beautiful like all the other girls that I see.
I want to be confident and I want to be able to hear the time when people tell me I'm beautiful and I look good.
I want to be able to fit into dresses.
I just hear the negative things about how people would tease fat people.
And I feel like I'm one of those people.
People but say its all muscles but I know my both.
I want to be skinny.
And this time I will do it.
I'm not gonna faint again, this time it will go a long way.
I just want to lose weight.

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful, The day I chose not to eat.

Well, as a couple you yall know, my upcoming art piece is going to be about eating disorders.
Somehow I feel affected by it.
I feel like, I want to start losing weight and be skinny.
Although I've seen videos and images of how anorexix or bulimic people are and how scary it is knowing that you could actually die of these kinda stuff, I still want to be skinny like them.
Like although I'm afraid, I still feel the need to start starving myself and eat just a few hundred calories a day.
I know its stupid but I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
I feel like people won't like me.
These days I've been having thoughts of how slim people are still considered fat to me.
This is silly, but I don't know.
All these art planning has gotten me into the eating disorder zone again.
Right after I said I wouldn't starve myself after the last fainting, I feel the need to do it again.
But this time prolly just consume a few hundred calories a day.
I didn'y eat much today. Had fruits and very little rice and fish today.
Prolly just have fruits tomorrow.
Don't want to gain anymore weight.
Its a wrong way to do it but I feel the need to try.
Anyways, I got to pack for school now.
Update soon(:

NYDA. Lets have eating disorder for a meal.

Okay people.
So tis really late right now.
Its like 3-ish going 4-ish in the morning while I'm typing this.
Watched a movie yesterday and learnt a new song.
So I had a little fun yesterday bur today will be a new day.
That means homework and more art.
Yes people, got to get going on with school.
Cause Monday is a school day, Bloody hell.
Hahah. But ohh well. What can I say. I'm no government person.
Anyways, Stephanie might be staying over at my place tomorrow.
I mean today. HAHA sorry. I'm not really good at mornings.
I watched "The Mighty Ducks" just now.
From their first movie till the last.
I love that movie. It reminds me of why I am here today or why I love being in the team.
And the people that surround me.
That movie keeps me on my feet and helps me boost my confidence level and my level of courage.
The movies helps me to see in a different perspective of life.

I also tried out a new song on the guitar today.
It called "Halo". You know the beyonce song?
Well yeah, that's the one.
Been practicing Down by Jay Sean too.
And You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift or even Hating On The Club by Rihanna.
Been doing a little Neyo too, Part Of The List.
Awesome song that is.
But anyways, I'd jsut thought I'd blog before I got to bed.
Long day ahead of me tomorrow.
Well not that long):

Art Themes+Glass Mirrors+People/Icons+World = ANOREXIA.

School has been a BITCH!
I've been sooo tired lately in school all because of the damn travelling time.
I get lesser sleep then before.
Practically knocked out yesterday untill mom had to do my homework for ms just so I won't rush the next day.
Really couldn't be bothered with homework last night.
I just wanted to SLEEP.
Did my homework just now.
Left with just reading and solving that damn Physics paper.
Remedial was cut short today just to get started on the momentum.
Been given a lot of essays from the English and Malay teachers.
Mother Fly la they all.
I think I'm gonna go off soon too, eyes are half open.
Tomorrow's Friday.
And most probably I'll be out with my girlfriends on Saturday.
Town baby!
But that just means tomorrow I'll be focusing on my art.
I already know what I want my final piece to be.
ANOREXIA. Cause Mardiana said something about how the people want to see your painting or whatever it is you're doing related to what is happening around the world.
The theme that I chose was segmented.
Its about divison, portion or a cut up of something.
Why I chose Anorexia is because eating disorder is what's happening in the world today.
Its done by many teenagers including myself.
I was once starving myself and after that I tried Bulimia.
After eating I'd force myself to puke.
So yeah its something that people face every day just to look like Icons.
I got it all pictures up in my head.
Even Mardiana thinks its a good Idea.
I've got to start drawing. Saturday would be a good time.
3 hours of intensive drawing. HAHA.
Anyways, I'm too lazy to type now.
So if I've actualyl got a free time I'd blog.
If not, you wish! haha(: Or more like I wish.
Goodnight people.

My laptop has officially died.
I mean the one that my brother handed over to me.
Its sooo sad la. I had it for like a month only.
The laptop apparently had the wear and tear thing.
So really it wasn't my fault.
I took care of it. Not once did I drop the laptop.
My argument is this, I tend to drop a lot of things. I admit that I am a clumsy person.
But I have never once dropped the laptop.
I scan the laptop for viruses and defrag the laptop regularly.
But it just died on me, the mother board was a goner.
If I were to get it repaired it'll be like 500 bucks worth.
So uncle Joseph said that I should just get a new laptop.
I was soo sad la cause like I've been waiting for soooo long just so that I could get his laptop.
And just when we did a swap, it died on me.
Mother fly la!
So now, Big Tita's laptop will be the temporary thing that I'll be using until I'm able to afford a laptop.
Its sooo sad la.
Anyways, today was a first day at school for us sec 5.
It was okay, but I'm starting to feel the pressure.
I won't take any chances cause I'm quite worried.
Anyways, I got to go now. I've got to force myself to bed again.
- Insomnia la bitch(:

Motivation: Don't be sad if you've been put down. Pick yourself up again because you are tougher then you know it. Believe in yourself and pass this exam. Just do your best. No stress baybehh.

It made sense to me.